The Silent Saboteurs: Why Your Family and Friends Are the Last People You Should Share Your Struggles With

There’s a myth we’ve all been fed from childhood: that our friends and family will always be there for us when things go wrong. We’re taught that they will catch us when we fall, lend an empathetic ear when life gets too heavy, and offer words of encouragement when we feel like giving up. But, in reality, sharing your struggles with the people closest to you often yields a completely different result. Instead of comfort, you’re met with silence, indifference, criticism, or worse—jealousy and disdain.

In most cases, the people who should be your strongest support system are the very ones who, knowingly or unknowingly, hold you back. This is not a generalization; it’s a hard-earned truth that anyone who has ever been vulnerable enough to share their dreams, fears, and failures with the people they love has experienced in one way or another.

You tell your friends about your plans to start a business, go back to school, or take a risky leap into something new. Instead of enthusiasm or guidance, you’re hit with cold stares, skepticism, or outright dismissal. In some cases, they act like you’re speaking a foreign language—like your aspirations are somehow too lofty, too unrealistic, or simply not worth pursuing.

If you're lucky, you might get a vague response like, “Well, good luck with that," followed by an uncomfortable silence that hangs in the air like a bad smell. If you're not lucky, you’ll be met with something far worse—comments that undermine your ambition, sow seeds of doubt, and remind you, with brutal honesty, that you’re simply not good enough. These responses are not accidental. They're often the result of a deeper, darker truth about human nature and the way relationships are shaped by competition, envy, and fear.

For most of us, the reality is that family and friends are among the worst people to confide in when things aren’t going well. Far from the comforting safe space they should be, they often become unintentional obstacles to our personal growth and success. It’s a bitter pill to swallow, but it’s a pill that we all eventually choke down after a few failed attempts at finding solace in the arms of those who claim to love us the most.

This issue is especially prevalent in cultures that place a premium on conformity, tradition, and social status. Take Africa, for example. The collective mindset that permeates many African families and communities can create an environment where personal struggles are viewed with suspicion, and individual pursuits are often seen as selfish or futile. There’s an unspoken rule that success should be communal—meaning, if you win, you win for the whole family or village. But if you lose, the shame falls on everyone. It’s a heavy burden that discourages any kind of deviation from the norm.

It’s not that your family or friends want to see you fail. Most of the time, their behavior comes from a place of fear or ignorance. Fear of seeing you struggle, of seeing you venture into uncharted waters that they themselves are too afraid to explore. The problem is that, rather than offering constructive advice or genuine support, they choose to hold you back. Their words, though often cloaked in concern, are laced with subtle doubts that make you question your every move.

There’s a particular cruelty to the way some people, especially in African communities, talk about success and failure. The unspoken rule is that if you haven’t succeeded by a certain age or in a particular way, you’re a failure. In this context, success is often measured by a narrow set of standards: getting a stable job, marrying, having children, and following the prescribed path that society has set out for you. Anything beyond that—anything that doesn’t fit into the neat little box of what’s considered acceptable—is dismissed as unrealistic or dangerous.

This dismissiveness isn’t just frustrating; it’s harmful. When you’re struggling with something deeply personal, something that requires vulnerability and courage to face, the last thing you need is to hear your friends or family tell you that you’re not good enough. But that’s exactly what happens when you seek advice or understanding from people who have never been in your shoes or who are too scared to take risks themselves. They project their own fears onto you and, in doing so, they sabotage your potential.

But perhaps the most damaging thing about seeking support from friends and family is the envious undertone that often accompanies their words. It’s a well-known fact that people, particularly those who feel trapped in their own circumstances, have a hard time celebrating the success of others. This envy is more pronounced when someone close to you begins to take steps that seem to threaten their own sense of security or self-worth.

Think about it: if you were raised in an environment where success was a zero-sum game—where there was only so much to go around—seeing someone close to you succeed might make others feel like there’s less success to share. Your success becomes their loss. The people you trust to encourage you are instead the ones casting shadows over your ambitions, whether intentionally or not.

This dynamic is particularly acute in African societies, where family reputation is everything. The pressure to live up to the expectations of others is immense. It’s not just about personal success; it’s about maintaining the family’s honor and legacy. If you break away from what’s expected—if you pursue something unconventional, something risky—there are consequences. You may be labeled a “failure” in the eyes of your family, even if your pursuits are the very things that could ultimately lead to your growth and success.

The unspoken fear in African families is that the person who breaks the mold will bring shame to the entire family, that their personal failure will reflect poorly on the whole community. In this context, encouraging someone to take a risk or try something new is seen as irresponsible, even dangerous. It’s easier to encourage mediocrity, to tell someone to play it safe, because that ensures that the family’s reputation remains intact, even if it means stifling someone’s potential.

Yet, here’s the paradox: we need those close to us for emotional support, for validation, for the feeling that we belong. But when it comes to truly going after what we want in life—when we set our sights on something big, something bold, something that could change our lives—we find that the very people who should be cheering us on are the ones holding us back.

The truth is that in many cases, the only way to truly pursue your dreams, to forge a path toward success, is to stop sharing your struggles with those who don’t understand or believe in them. You have to find new sources of support, people who can see beyond their own limitations and fears. Whether it’s mentors, online communities, or even strangers who share your vision, sometimes it’s those who don’t know you personally who are better equipped to offer the encouragement and feedback you need to succeed.

This isn’t to say that we should abandon our family or friends or stop seeking their support entirely. But it does mean that we must acknowledge the limitations they impose on us, and stop expecting them to offer the kind of support that we may only find in other places. It’s painful to realize that the people who are supposed to love and protect us can sometimes be the very ones who keep us locked in a cage of their own making. But recognizing this truth is the first step toward breaking free.

At the end of the day, the journey to success is a solitary one. You will face many obstacles, and the voices that truly matter—the voices that will propel you forward—are often the ones you least expect. So, stop sharing your struggles with those who can’t see your potential. Let go of the idea that your family and friends will always have the answers. Instead, trust in yourself, and seek out those who understand the road you’re on.

Because sometimes, the hardest thing to accept is that the people closest to us aren’t the ones who will help us rise—they’re the ones who might just be keeping us down.


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This article, though based on a harsh reality, is designed to provoke thought and spark a deeper conversation about the dynamics of support and ambition within families and social circles.